Simon At Thirty – The State of My Union of One

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Yesterday, I turned thirty, so in a fit of originality I thought I’d write a post about it.

Overblown Introductory Section

We are but tiny ships, tossed along the waves of reality by an uncaring universe that dares us to challenge her indifference. If we are lucky (and suitably fortified with rum), we are able to pilot our little craft along a course more or less of our own choosing.

However, as the prophet Baz Lurhman once noted, we are often thrown off track by unexpected storms that blindside us on some Idle Tuesday, throwing us into a whirlwind with problems that never crossed our worried minds, however much bubble gum we were chewing at the time.

Once these foul weathers have calmed, we imbibe the remaining stores of rum, suffer through the resulting hangover, and then, more often than not, see that the sun now shines on new and exciting watery paths – routes through the seas of the world that we had never before considered.

This rather extended metaphor is a suitably wordy way of summarising The Story of My Twenties. With confusing images of the sea now firmly planted in your mind, I would like to unashamedly and immodestly present the Thirty Coolest Things I’ve Done In The Last Ten Years.

My Self-Indulgent Birthday List

  1. Played drums on the second largest stage at the largest music festival in the UK
  2. Legally practiced law despite not being a solicitor
  3. Washed elephants, making sure to scrub behind the big ears
  4. Swam with sharks (until three of them started circling us, at which point we headed for shore)
  5. Bought a Mac (best computer-based decision I’ve ever made)
  6. Renovated a house (it’s beautiful, and is now for sale – leave a comment if you’re interested)
  7. Jumped out of a plane
  8. Snowboarded down countless mountains
  9. Learned to scuba dive
  10. Dived with the cast of Finding Nemo (‘Duuuuuude!’)
  11. Hiked up a Himalaya mountain
  12. Paraglided off a Himalaya mountain
  13. Survived India
  14. Started my own business (I am a Business Man – many, many lolz!)
  15. Sold almost everything I own (drums stored at mums, house still for sale – see 6)
  16. Drove through deserts
  17. Learned to ride motorbikes, then rode them around the Cook Islands
  18. Learned to sing, then did it on stage. In front of PEOPLE.
  19. Got a degree (my final exam was in a bar and I was drunk, so the quality of said degree is questionable)
  20. Stayed in a hotel made entirely of salt
  21. Ate at Jamie Oliver’s Fifteen. Twice.
  22. Learned to surf on water
  23. Learned to surf on couches (and met some amazing people as a result)
  24. Survived Bolivian Bus Hell
  25. Learned to ride a horse
  26. Relaxed on some of the finest beaches in the world
  27. Had a monkey sit on my head and another lead me around the garden
  28. Saw a rhino in the wild (then quickly ran the other way)
  29. Learned to speak Spanish
  30. Celebrated 10 years of being with Erin (my greatest achievement)

Whimsical Conclusion

So as the sailboat of my life drifts gently across the ocean of existence towards the sunset of my thirties and the Captain of my twenties retires to the lounge to drink martinis with the First Mate of my teenage years, I ponder the course that these two sailors have charted through the world and ask myself:

Where in the hell are they going?

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  1. Lots of stuff on that list I wanna do — I ticked the motorbike one off last week — roaring on a foreign roadway on the opposite side of the road that you’re used to at speeds approaching 80km/h (when I read after the fact that the police advise you drive at 40km/h or slower) is one hell of a trip!


  2. One hell of a post! I didn’t want it to end. HB my dear blogging friend, I hope your 30’s are kick ass and full of one extraordinary adventures after another.


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